Monopoly
by Montana-Bob
Summary: The boys play Monopoly. Rated for coarse language, sexual innuendo, and racist, anti-Semitic dialogue. Idiotic crack humor inspired by a picture I saw on Deviantart, with some bunny fluff thrown in at the end. At least Kenny doesn't die this time.


"Can you guys believe we got _Garrison_ for social studies again?" Cartman's thumbs smashed buttons on the Wii controller, slowly beating back Kyle's zombie hoard while commiserating with his friends about how eleventh grade was already going downhill even though they were only three days into it. Thunder rumbled outside Stan's house and windblown rain pelted the windows. "I mean, seriously, what is he this year? Mister or missus?"

"_Mister_" Kyle said emphatically, stabbing buttons on his own controller, while Stan, Kenny and Butters awaited their turns. "I don't think he could even survive another sex change operation."

Cartman was about to say something snarky back when there was a loud crash of thunder outside and the power went off. The TV and all the lights in the house went dark and the refrigerator in the kitchen went silent. Butters gave a frightened, involuntary squeak and scooted closer to Kenny, hoping to be comforted by the person he desperately wanted to be his boyfriend. That thunder was a perfect excuse to sit closer to him, and he felt Kenny leaning back reassuringly against him.

"Aww, fuck…" Cartman moaned. They waited for the lights to come back so they could resume their game of Zombie Panic in Wonderland. It wasn't to be though; the power stayed off, and so did the TV and refrigerator.

"So, what are we going to do now?" Kyle asked. "We can't walk home in this shit."

Stan stood up and walked to the closet next to the front door. He looked inside at the top shelf, then turned to them grinning happily and stood up on his toes to reach for something.

"We could play Monopoly."

"Oh _hell _no we can't!" Kyle said. The last time they had played Monopoly together, Cartman had ended up with a broken nose, and Kyle had had two of his fingers dislocated - in what they both swore were separate unrelated incidents and the idiot adults in their town believed them - and had to wear a splint for two weeks (and Kenny had died when he choked on a game piece, but he was the only one who remembered that detail).

It was precisely these memories plus one more that led Kenny to say, "Yeah. We should totally play Monopoly." He knew that he and Butters would find a way to have each other's shirts off before the end of the game; he would just have to remember to keep the game pieces away from his mouth (he didn't think Kyle's piece would even _fit_ there).

"Ah-are we playing by the official Parker Brothers rules…or by our rules?" Butters asked nervously. He had plenty of reason to worry; after all, he was the one who had suggested a lot of the rules they play by, and even though they made the games he played with Dougie and a couple of other Melvins a lot more interesting and faster paced, they tended to rub Eric and Kyle the wrong way, like it brought out the worst in both of them.

Stan looked at him as he pulled the ancient board game down from the shelf and smiled. "What do you think, Butters?"

"Oh, hamburgers!" Butters replied. "I was afraid of that!"

"Don't worry," Stan said reassuringly, walking back to the kitchen and setting the box down on the table. There would be enough daylight in here for them to play for a while, and the Marshes had plenty of candles if the game went on past dark. "This isn't going to be like the last time we played."

"Yeah," Kyle jumped in before Cartman could speak. "I hope not. The last time we played this we almost had to call an ambulance." Butters ground his knuckles together nervously while Stan and Kyle began setting up the game.

"D-Does everyone remember how to play?" Butters asked, while Stan grabbed a flashlight from a drawer and set it next to him, shining it at the ceiling. Kenny stared at Butters, loving how the light from the flashlight highlighted the stray wisps of hair floating above his head. Kenny was almost certain that Butters wanted to be with him just as badly, but Butters was _so_ nervous and shy about this sort of thing. But there was something about this game that brought him out of this particular shell of his, at least a little.

The most obvious difference between regular Monopoly and _their_ version was their choices of game pieces; they had discarded the crappy lead-colored ones that were part of the original Monopoly game equipment in favor of more personalized ones; Stan didn't know what happened to the original pieces except he was pretty sure two or more of them had made their way through Kenny's digestive tract the last time they had played, Cartman's way of making him pay for landing on Reading Railroad.

Kyle's game piece was a small plastic dreidel; it was 'small' only in the sense of the way dreidels went; as a Monopoly piece it was enormous, nearly the size of his clenched fist and occupying a full square of the Monopoly board with the handle jutting out two inches beyond the board's edge. Butters' game piece was much more subdued: A simple Hello Kitty hair barrette; Stan's game piece was the red poof ball from his old winter hat; and Kenny's was the simplest of them all: A Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle cap; he liked to think his piece at least would have the best traction if that were necessary.

Cartman took his time over the several game piece options he had, and finally selected a shiny brass swastika that had once been a part of a uniform he owned and had outgrown several years ago

"No!" Kyle said angrily. "You can't use that!"

"Then you can't use that droodle," Cartman replied.

"_Dreidel!_" Kyle snapped, and still bickering, they settled around the game.

Always the peacekeeper, Butters tried to steer the topic back to the game. "Who's gonna go first?"

"I am, you douchbag!" Cartman replied. "Who the hell did you think was going to go first?"

"Why do _you_ get to go first?" Kenny asked. "Fuck that, we roll for it."

Once they had sorted out the order of play issue, there was still the matter of the economics of their game. Butters (who ten years from now would go on to become a successful accountant, claiming such businesses as City Wok and Tom's Rhinoplasty as clients) had introduced them to the concept of "hyperinflation". Instead of each player starting with $1,500, they started with $1,500,000, made possible by the addition of numerous fifty and one hundred thousand dollar bills Stan had brought in from another game.

Then there was the ancient box of Sun Maid raisins packed away along with the game board and its accessories. The raisins were so old they were hard as pebbles, but they weren't there to be eaten anyway. In their version of Monopoly, a player could have as many hotels on their properties as they wanted (with the raisins representing hotels), with the fines for a player landing on a multi-hotel property adjusted upward accordingly.

Instead of the traditional $500 going into the center of the board for anyone landing on Free Parking, they put $500,000 in there, with all fines and taxes to be added until someone finally won it.

They finally had the game set up, and everyone had been reminded of the rules.

"This is a really bad idea," Butters said as he rolled the dice first, landing on Vermont Avenue and promptly buying it. Stan went next, followed by Kyle and Cartman, with Kenny going last. Butters was happy with this order; he felt he had the best chance of (A) winning by going first, and (B) getting Kenny's shirt off at some point later in the game by his going last.

The game progressed as anyone would expect it to; Kyle ended up owning the most valued properties, Boardwalk and Park Place, with Cartman owning the three green properties just before them. The rest of their fortunes were scattered across the board, and there were piles of raisins everywhere; Kenny's only raisins were on the cheapest dark purple properties immediately after "GO!", but he perpetually lacked the funds to put more than half a dozen raisin-hotels on either of them. No one ever landed on them anyway.

Enormous amounts of money and property changed hands; Cartman and Kyle seemed nearly tied for first place, while Kenny was almost as poor as he was in real life. Stan and Butters were middle class, surviving but not really prospering. This was actually a fairly lame game.

And the pile of money accumulating in the center of the board for whoever landed in Free Parking was becoming astronomic.

Cartman finally demanded that they take a bio break and grabbed the flashlight and disappeared down the hall to Stan's bathroom, leaving them in the late afternoon gloom. Stan got up and pulled a barely cool six pack of cokes from the fridge while Kyle found a couple bags of chips in the pantry. They were passing around their snacks when Cartman came back and sat down.

"This game is bullshit," he announced without preamble. "This is just our real lives played out in miniature." He scowled, taking a drink of his coke. "Poor boy is still poor. And I should be utterly dominating this game, but I can't because Kyle is cheating."

Kyle looked down at the Monopoly board, and at his pile of money. Everything was completely legitimate. He had no idea what Cartman was talking about.

"How exactly am I cheating, Cartman?" he challenged. Butters moaned and closed his eyes, knowing that that question was the beginning of the end, and noses and fingers would probably soon be broken.

"You have hotels on all your properties," Cartman replied, looking around and blinking innocently, as if this were an actual answer to Kyle's question.

"Uh…" Kyle blinked, and even Stan and Kenny looked at him askance; Butters moved closer to Kenny (and farther away from Kyle).

"But how am I _cheating,_ you fat piece of shit?"

Cartman blinked as if he were confused at their confusion, and said as if to clarify his previous statement, "Because you're genetically predisposed to win at this game."

If Butters could have, he would have climbed under the table. Since there was neither enough room nor time, he slid even closer to Kenny and watched Kyle's pupils snap down to pinpoints as he unleashed his anger all over Cartman.

"Just because I'm a Jew, doesn't mean I'm better at playing Monopoly, you racist fuck!" Kyle shouted. Stan was torn between cringing away from him and lunging out to grab him. Kyle looked like he was about to flip the entire kitchen table, board, dice, dreidel, hello kitty hair barrette and all.

"Guys," Kenny finally said, trying to look around innocently while he reached under the table to take Butters' hand. That hand squeezed back gratefully, the emotion mirrored in Butters' eyes a moment later as he looked at Kenny. "Can we just…play?"

Kyle and Cartman stared daggers at each other. They both finally nodded, never taking their eyes off each other, and the game continued. Kenny rolled a pair of fives, landing him on Atlantic Avenue, which Stan owned. With the number of raisins/hotels Stan had there, Kenny had to pay him $70,000; it was nearly all the money he had. Since he'd rolled doubles, he went again, rolled a three and landed on Marvin Gardens, which Stan also owned. Kenny looked at him, trying to hide a smile; even if he mortgaged everything he owned, he wouldn't be able to come up with the $80,000 he needed to pay Stan for landing there.

"Well," Kenny said, trying to work a little sadness into his voice. "Looks like I'm out." He didn't believe that at all; in fact, he was certain he was about to be bailed out by a certain fellow blond. He had been catching Butters staring at him out of the corner of his eye since the game had started, and was sure that Butters wanted them to be boyfriends at least as badly as he did. He was also pretty sure Stan and Kyle had at least gotten to the handjob stage of _their _special super best friendship. Kenny was determined to let Butters reach out to him at _his_ pace, and this seemed to be something that everyone present knew but didn't talk about. It was like a big rainbow colored elephant in the room. This was the second opportunity for Butters to move things forward tonight: The first had been the thunder, when he sat closer to Kenny, and now Kenny's apparent insolvency…and Kenny knew it was coming when Butters inhaled to say something.

"Hold your horses, mister."

_There it is! _Kenny thought. _Wait for it…_

"I-I can loan you some money, Kenny." (_Yes!) _Butters was already digging through his pile of money, separating a couple bills out for him. "Say, maybe, $100,000. But…I'll need some collateral."

Kenny quirked an eyebrow. "Collateral?" he asked, as if he had no idea what Butters was talking about. "You mean you don't trust me?"

"Not with _that_ much money! No…I think I need some collateral. Something like…maybe your shirt."

Kenny thought that this couldn't be better if Steven Spielberg was directing it and Terrance and Phillip had written the script.

"My _shirt_?" Kenny asked incredulously, as if he had no idea this was coming. "Do I get to keep my shirt on while you're using it as…_collateral_?"

"You two aren't going to start fagging it up in here again, are you?" Cartman scowled. "I mean…seriousleh?"

"N-no, Eric." This was to Cartman. "This is strictly business." He turned back to Kenny. "And of course I have to hold onto your shirt! It won't do me any good if you default and you're still wearing it."

"All right," Kenny said slowly, as if deep in thought. "I accept your terms and conditions." He pulled his tee shirt over his head while Butters beamed happily. Kenny's chest and belly were _so_ thin, every rib pressing against golden skin; Butters wanted to cook for him and put some weight on him, and he wanted to talk and cuddle with him, and balance checkbooks and go on vacations with him, for the rest of his life.

Butters knew that such an arrangement would also mean sex (and probably lots of it), and that was an area in which he had _no_ experience, and while he was sure Kenny would understand this and be very careful and kind while he taught him, the idea still terrified him. Still, he loved finding ways to get Kenny's shirt off, just to remind himself of that gorgeous skin, and did it every chance he got. Being obviously gay and crushing on someone made some things so much easier.

Kenny added a moment later, bringing Butters' mind back to the game: "But I have one condition of my own: If I pay you back, I want interest; you have to take _your_ shirt off."

"Jesus Christ," Cartman moaned.

"That doesn't even make sense, Ken," Butters said. "Why do _I_ have to pay _you_ interest on money _you're_ borrowing from _me?_"

That was a good question. Kenny said the first thing that came into his mind:

"Try not to overthink this, okay? Do we have a deal or what?"

Butters pretended to give the matter serious thought. "Oh...okay. I agree. But you have to wait at least five turns, otherwise you could give the money right back to me and I'll just lose my shirt for nothin'" He held out two $50,000 bills, but pulled them away again when Kenny reached for them, eyeing Kenny's shirt, still in his hands out of reach.

"Really, Butters?" Kenny asked, starting to laugh again. Butters hadn't done this last time. He was making this into something akin to Kenny buying pot from someone he didn't trust. He slowly moved his shirt closer to Butters while reaching for the two bills with his other hand. Butters eyes darted back and forth between the two for a moment before lunging out and snatching Kenny's shirt, thrusting the two bills into his other hand at the same moment.

Their transaction complete, Kenny paid Stan the $80,000 he owed him, and the game continued. Kenny managed to avoid landing on anything expensive for seven turns until he rolled a nine and landed on Free Parking.

"WOO HOO!" he shouted while Cartman looked on in disgust, raking a pile of bills as well as some raisins and three actual red plastic hotels that Cartman had pledged as collateral in a shady deal he had made with Kyle earlier. "I'm buying some hotels now, see?" Kenny erected twenty raisin hotels on each of his two purple properties. "And I'm repaying my business partner." He handed Butters a $100,000 bill and held his hand out expectantly. Butters smiled shyly, took off his shirt and handed it over.

"A deal's a deal," he said while Kenny's eyes roamed hungrily. He pointedly didn't put his own shirt back on.

It was Butters' turn next. He rolled the dice, revealing a seven and winding up on the Free Parking space right after Kenny had landed there.

"How about that, Ken?" Butters asked as he retrieved his $500,000. Kenny had taken in nearly five million Monopoly dollars by landing on the same spot just a single turn ago.

Stan went next, rolling a twelve and landing on Kenny's Baltic Avenue. "Ah, fuck!" With the number of hotels Kenny had there, it was plain he had just lost.

Kyle rolled a four, and landed on Kenny's Mediterranean Avenue. "Goddamnit!" Two people had become bankrupt in the space of less than a minute.

Cartman rolled next and also landed on Mediterranean Avenue. Cartman seethed as he counted out what he owed Kenny; it was nearly all the cash he had. Kenny sat back happily, leaning against Butters. "Amazing how fortunes can be made and lost so quickly, isn't it Butters?"

"That's because poor people breed like cockroaches!" Cartman cried angrily. "There's no way a successful businessman like myself can stand up against such a massive army of poor people."

Kenny glared at Cartman while Butters snickered. "Uh, Cartman?" Kenny said. "The last time I looked, there was only one of me."

"I think that's the end of the game," Stan said. "I mean, Kyle and I are out; and Cartman…"

"Yeah, yeah," Cartman scoffed. "Unless the two fags want to keep playing."

"No," Kenny said, smiling at Butters. "I think we're done here. Besides, it's stopped raining."

Stan and Kyle put everything back inside the box and Stan returned it to the hall closet for next time.

"Come on," Kenny said to Butters. "I'll walk you home. We'd probably better put our shirts back on though."

Kenny and Butters walked slowly together down the sidewalk, neither wanting their time together to end. "See?" Kenny asked. "That wasn't so bad! No one died, no one even got hurt, except Cartman was a little butthurt there at the end, and he'll get over that." They looked at each other grinning. This had been a perfect day for both of them.

They stopped at the end of Butters' driveway. Kenny wanted so badly to get past the stage with Butters where all they did was take their shirts off together. But Butters was so timid; and Kenny was terrified of rushing him out of fear he might scare him away. He was looking down, obviously nervous, and Kenny couldn't wait until Butters trusted him enough to let him comfort him with a hug.

"Ken?" Butters said shyly, looking down at his yellow Converse and rubbing his knuckles against each other. "My parents won't be home until tomorrow night. If you want…you could come inside, I can heat up a pizza…and we could talk business."

Kenny smiled as he felt his heart jump into his throat. "What sort of business, Leopold?"

"Well…I was thinkin'…if we play Monopoly with the fellas again, you might want to borrow some more money. Your credit's awful good with me; I could loan you more. I just have to…go over your collateral first."

Kenny felt as if the sun had just come out from behind the clouds for the first time in his life.

"Oh?"

"Yeah!" Butters said happily, grabbing his hand and leading him toward the front door. "If your shirt's worth $100,000…wouldn't you like to get those pants appraised, and find out how much they're worth?"

THE END


End file.
